Back home in Edmonton, the Black-billed Magpie is universally despised. The meanest of the mean. There is a somewhat valid reason for this – they bully other birds, eat eggs and hatchlings, and can make a mess of unsecured garbage. But let me ask you this, Edmontonians: Have you ever seen a sign warning you not to walk through a park without eye protection due to frequent magpie attacks? Enter the Australian Magpie.
Nearly every park in Brisbane has one of these signs posted at the entrance. ‘Do not run’ will never not get a laugh out of me when I see it. Note that it isn’t just the Aussie Magpie to fear, but the Plover, Noisy Miner, Crow and Butcher Bird as well. I’m ashamed to say I have personally been swooped by a Plover and Magpie-lark, which didn’t even make the top 5 most likely attackers. In both instances, I was trying to get a little too close for a picture, and received a quick slam to the head for pushing my luck. Neither instance left me with any injury other than the emotional pain of getting beat up by a creature weighing 80 grams, though others haven’t been so lucky. There are many recorded incidents of Australian birds drawing blood and even causing permanent damage. It should come as no surprise that in Australia, even the songbirds are out to kill you.
The worst part is that nobody is safe. I’ve seen a guy sit in an open dining area of a hostel get absolutely demolished by a Magpie. The Magpie then perched on a rail 5 feet away from him and stared him down until the man got up and walked away. As soon as he left, the magpie flew off into the distance. Hard to argue any logical motive for the bird bullying a guy like that other than pure sadism.
I don’t know why Australia in particular has so many birds that think they’re better than us, but something needs to be done. Though, it should be noted that Australia’s track-record of going up against birds hasn’t gone so hot in the past. If you don’t already know of the ‘Great Emu War’ of 1932, I highly recommend going down that rabbit hole. No joke, Australia has literally declared, and lost, a war against Emus. My educated guess is that the arrogance of Australian birds has stemmed from that event.
Even the non-violent city birds have a lot of nerve. The Australian Ibis, AKA ‘bin-chickens’, are famous for using their long, curved bills to reach into the trash and fling garbage all over the place. Bush Stone-curlews are 100% cursed, wailing like banshees by night and giving death-glares at anyone who passes by day. Even the Laughing Kookaburra, a bird I once considered an ally, recently stole a French-fry right off my plate. I’ve even seen a domesticated Mallard at a botanic garden beat the ever-living shit out of a smaller Pacific Black Duck. Mallards aren’t native to Australia, and I have never seen one act this aggressively back home. Something in the Australian air seems to let birds think they can get away with this abhorrent behavior. It needs to stop.
I offer no solutions. At this point I’m not sure anything can be done. I’m tired of fearing for my life every time I step foot outside. Unfortunately, September is considered peak Magpie swooping season, and I’m not sure I have what it takes to get through the month here. As I see it, there is only one solution: Flee.
Thus, I’m flying off to Thailand in two week’s time.
All jokes aside, I really am heading to Thailand on the 19th! Not sure for how long, or what comes after that. I’ve spent the last two months working at a craft brewery in Brisbane, which has been a dream come true, but I’m ready for the next adventure. I love Australia, and I have every intention to come back, but I want to keep trying new things. I have some things planned that I’m really excited about, so stay tuned. Thanks for reading!
3,329 thoughts on “Australian City Birds Are Not to be Trusted”